And they were in Starke, naked, and they were not ashamed.
An atheist monument will soon be erected in front of the Bradford County Courthouse in Starke, Florida. It will be the first monument of its kind on public land in the U.S. The monument doesn’t worry me. I’m more concerned about what happens when atheism gets inside the courthouse. Some of the vows and oaths people have become accustomed to will need to be changed.
Godless Wedding Vows
Traditional marriage vows usually include a line like this. “May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with His blessings. What God has joined, men must not divide. Amen.”
With God out of the picture, things will be different. The references to the Lord and His blessings have to go. The whole line needs to be deleted because none of it makes sense without those words. In regard to the second line, the reference to God joining a couple together has to go. It will have to be replaced with something like, “After this, you two should try to stay together, even if some hottie or studmuffin tries to come between you.” The Amen conclusion would be replaced with “Good luck” or “Banzai” or something like that.
Of course, atheists don’t need any help from me writing their own wedding vows. Here’s a page with many examples. Aside from shunning God, some of them are very nice.
The Oath of an Atheist Giving Testimony in Court
Most Americans are familiar with something that goes like this. “Place your hand on the Bible and repeat after me: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
When God is banished from the courthouse, the oath will be more like this. “Place your hand on whatever you choose, or nothing at all – it really doesn’t matter – and repeat after me. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me, me!”
It actually is already permissible to “affirm” that you’ll tell the truth in court without any Bible or reference to swearing before God. Cecil Adams, the self-proclaimed most intelligent man in the world, wrote the following in 1981 about an oath for atheists.
In U.S. District Court (to take the most widespread example), the standard oath is amended to: “You do affirm that all the testimony you are about to give in the case now before the court will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth; this you do affirm under the pains and penalties of perjury?” After the witness replies, “You got it, Jack,” or whatever godless heathens say in such situations, everyone sits back and pretends that the “pains and penalties of perjury” are every bit as intimidating as the wrath of a vengeful Almighty. It’s not an ideal situation, if you want my opinion, but I suppose it’s the best the judges can do under the circumstances.
Recent Business Humor Posts
Business Jokes of the Week
Men’s Wearhouse has fired George Zimmer. It turns out someone didn’t like the way he looked. DM
For the umpteenth time, the body of Jimmy Hoffa has not been found. Newsflash: He’s not dead. He’s living with his girlfriend in an apartment in Santa Monica, upstairs from the place formerly occupied by Whitey Bulger. DM
Some of the top people in the U.S. government have been saying that the government is so vast that it’s impossible to manage all the scandalous activity that’s happening at lower levels. Here’s a stupid idea: Why don’t we reduce the size of government back to a level where most of the idiocy is manageable? DM