The Lord’s Final Performance Review
by Danny Murphy (This piece was published in The Wittenburg Door years ago.)
Name: Jesus Christ
Evaluation Period: Past 3 Years
I have evaluated the merit and performance of this employee as follows:
[x] Less than Satisfactory (Marginal-minimal results)
[ ] Satisfactory (Achieves expected results)
[ ] More than Satisfactory (Frequently exceeds expected results)
Having thoroughly reviewed this employee’s field reports and having personally interviewed the employee at length, I have, unfortunately, found his performance to be less than satisfactory, as noted above. The employee has been in ministry for over three years and has virtually nothing to show for it. He has neither a synagogue, nor even a building fund or committee which might indicate a desire to build a synagogue at some point in the future.
The employee has, apparently, been wandering from village to village, with no discernible direction or plan. Furthermore, instead of building working relationships with people in the power structure of the communities in which he has worked, this employee has antagonized authority figures in numerous ways. Jesus has, reportedly, attracted large numbers of people to his outdoor meetings. However, it would seem that those audiences have mostly been made up of poor people who were there for the free food.
From his reports it would appear that Jesus has spent the bulk of his time in “prayer and fasting” and the rest of his time mentoring a dozen men. One is a tax collector. The rest are uneducated fishermen and such. In addition, Jesus has been seen in public places with a known prostitute.
The one bright spot I have found through this review process has been one of Jesus’ disciples. Unlike Jesus, Judas Iscariot appears to have a keen sense for fiscal management. Mr. Iscariot would be an excellent candidate for a management position the next time an opening occurs.
Circle of Envy
A man named John was fishing from a dock. It was a beautiful day. John felt peaceful and happy. Then he noticed another guy backing his boat down the nearby ramp and into the water. The bass boat had some dents but it also had everything you would need for a nice day of fishing – swivel seats, a live well, and a variety of gadgets.
John started thinking, “Oh boy, does that guy have it made! He’s not stuck on a dock, like me, waiting and hoping for the fish to come to him. He’s a free man. If he doesn’t catch fish in one spot, he can pull up his anchor and go somewhere else. I would do anything just to have a boat like that.”
The boater was feeling content as he fired up his Evinrude and pulled away. He thought to himself, “I am the captain of this ship. I can go anywhere. I can do anything. If I don’t catch a fish in one spot, I can pull anchor and go somewhere else. I am invincible!”
After a while, the boater noticed a nice waterfront mansion. He throttled down to take a good look. It was a real dream home! Several boats were tied up at the dock: an oceangoing yacht, a speedboat, a fishing boat, and a heavy duty jon-boat. The boater thought to himself, “That guy has a boat for whatever mood he’s in. And he doesn’t have to back down a ramp or drive to a marina. He just walks out the back door, down to the dock, gets in whichever boat suits him, and goes. What I wouldn’t do to have what he has.”
The wealthy owner was talking on his cell phone and looking out the window. His lawyer was on one line, his accountant on another line, and an irate customer on yet a third line. As the bass fisher passed by in his dinged up boat, the wealthy man reminisced about the good old days when he had a boat like it. “It was so much simpler, back then. Now things are very complicated. I have an unbelievable house with an unbelievable mortgage payment. I have very expensive toys but no time to play with them. And I have grown kids who are waiting for me to die so they can get their hands on my money. That guy on the boat may not know it, but he really has it made! I would do just about anything to go back to being like him. Today, if I’m lucky, I’ll get off the phone in time to fish off the dock for half an hour.”
Business Jokes of the Week
The last day of winter was March 19th . Does that mean I should take down the Christmas lights? DM
A guy in England found a way to make cars run on coffee. I wonder if he has given any thought to making a car that runs on something less expensive than gasoline. There’s no word yet on whether cars run better on regular coffee or decaf. DM
To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. Jay Leno
The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers. David Letterman
I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to “early spring psychosis.” Craig Ferguson
Between March Madness, Facebook, and Twitter, they say the average worker will work a total of 12 minutes over the next three weeks. Jimmy Kimmel
Fox is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. It should be pretty entertaining for the people who don’t know the full details of the case. You know, like the jury. Jimmy Fallon