Voters in Florida claim they were disenfranchised in the election of the new Pope. They couldn’t even find polling places where they could hang their chads. DM
As white smoke poured out of the chimney at the Vatican last week, it was also spotted coming out of a bakery in Thomasville, Georgia. A buyer has been found for the company that makes Twinkies. Hallelujah! DM
People all over the world celebrated the election of the new Pope differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews. Jay Leno
What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he’s 76 years old. He’s a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay. Craig Ferguson
The Pope has more than one designation. He’s also the bishop of Rome. He’s also known as the pontiff. And here’s what I didn’t know. He’s also known as Diddy. David Letterman
Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work. Jimmy Fallon
An Irish American Blessing
by Danny Murphy
May your home not be foreclosed,
May your mortgage be restructured,
May your employer not go bankrupt,
From rising health care costs.
But if your job is among those lost,
May your unemployment be extended.
And when the unemployment runs out,
may your disability be approved.
Business Jokes of the Week
Saudi Arabia may put a stop to beheadings due to a shortage of trained swordsmen to perform the executions. “The executioners have gotten a bad rap,” said one professional swordsman who spoke on condition of anonymity. “People use words like barbaric and savage when they speak of beheading. It’s very unfair to executioners. We’re regular people with regular jobs who make a little extra money on the side by cutting people’s heads off. It really hurts when people say we’re uncivilized.” DM
Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It’s not a disaster — it’s DiGiorno.” Jimmy Fallon
A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I’m not mistaken. Jay Leno
Business Humor Quote of the Week
“Clean and family-friendly are supposedly these positive attributes. But I sometimes feel like it’s an asterisk next to my success, or whatever. I just want to be known as funny. I mean, when you hear about a family-friendly restaurant, you know it’s going to be horrible.” Jim Gaffigan