Valentine’s Day is coming up. So far, Mante Te’o hasn’t indicated whether he’ll get a real gift for his girlfriend or just an imaginary gift.
A naked baby flying around and shooting arrows at people isn’t an image of love. It’s more like a scene out of a horror movie.
Americans will spend an estimated $13 billion to celebrate Valentine’s Day. And guys who forget will spend even more.
Married men spend a lot on flowers and chocolates to show how much they love their wives on Valentine’s Day. Single men celebrate by spending their money however they choose.
Years ago, I told my wife that I preferred not to celebrate Valentine’s Day because the holiday actually dates back to a festival called Lupercalia in pagan Rome and it involved whipping women and engaging in some sort of sexual lottery. The next year, after my wife allowed me back into the bedroom, I brought her some flowers and chocolates.
Murphy at Law: The Power of Negative Thinking is available on Amazon. The premise for most of the jokes is Murphy’s Law and the setup is usually, You might be a Murphy if…
Here are a few Valentines Jokes from the chapter on sex and love.
You might be a Murphy if…
you see impotence as the answer to your sexual problems.
you try computer sex one time and your computer gets a virus.
a really beautiful woman falls madly in love with you and her ex-husband is a psychotic ultimate fighter who hasn’t quite gotten over her.
About 145 million valentine cards are purchased annually.
Women purchase 80%of all greeting cards.
When sugar and candy were rationed during World War II, flowers became the preeminent gift for Valentine’s Day.
Prime Number Jokes
Primes are numbers such as 3, 7 and 11 that are divisible only by themselves and 1 without leaving a remainder.
Mathematicians in Warren, MO, have discovered the longest prime number yet known to man. It took some seriously long division to figure it out!
The big number is over 17 million digits long. Try getting that into a tweet!
The astonishing discovery was made in Warren, Missouri. Evidently, there’s not much to do for excitement in Warren.
Actually, the guy who discovered the big number found it on his phone bill. “This cannot possibly be right,” he told his wife. “I only tried the phone sex once, and it wasn’t that great.”
Jokes of the Week
In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space. Jay Leno
A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either really loves him or really hates her parents. Jimmy Kimmel
Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the seals until it’s too late. Jimmy Fallon
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to be the first Iranian to go into space. Benjamin Natanyahu said he’d love to help. DM
During the Super Bowl there was a 35-minute blackout. Afterwards, Lindsay Lohan said, “So that wasn’t just me.” Conan
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins. Craig Ferguson